5 Steps to Mastering Pillow Talk

Dirty Conversations Can Be Good, Clean Fun

It happens in most relationships. You’ve been together awhile and your sex life has gone from sizzling to stale. The secret to turning up the heat may be the art of (dirty) conversation, otherwise known as pillow talk. There’s no need to go X-rated. You’d be surprised at how just a few blush-worthy phrases can bring you and your partner closer together. Not sure how to do it? No problem. Here’s a how-to guide to pillow talk…

I’m really not sure how it happened, but sometime after the birth of my son I lost the ability to talk dirty in bed. I’d been able to do it before. In the heat of passion, I could say things that wouldn’t be out of place in a Sharon Stone movie. But suddenly, the best I could muster was, “Faster, slower, a little to the left, down a bit, there you go.” When it came to the really titillating pillow talk, I was drawing a blank.

I was bewildered. My husband was puzzled and, I think, a little hurt. What had happened to his R-rated woman?

I understood that it was connected to having the baby, but the change surprised me. I’d figured that I wouldn’t have a problem separating daytime “Mom” from nighttime “Vixen.” But as my son’s second birthday approached, I had to admit that I’d underestimated the muzzling effect of motherhood. I needed some help.

I contacted Emma Taylor and Lorelei Sharkey, aka Em & Lo, the sex experts behind Nerve’s Guide to Sex Etiquette for Ladies and Gentlemen (Plume, 2004), to get their opinion. And apparently, I’m not alone. “People are absolutely terrified by the idea of dirty talk,” Em & Lo say. “They always want us to tell them what to say. We think it’s because people think they should suddenly be able to sound like they’re reciting porno dialogue, and that’s just so intimidating.”

Yet pillow talk can greatly enhance the quality of sexual relationships. Apart from making sex more entertaining, a 2006 Elle/MSNBC survey of nearly 78,000 people found that naughty talk made sex last longer – an extra 19 to 23 minutes!

“It’s a matter of redefining what it means to talk dirty,” Em and Lo say. “Pretty much anything you say in the heat of the moment counts as dirty talk, unless it’s ‘Oh crap! I forgot to put out the recycling.’”

Yet what if you can’t stop thinking about diapers, toilet paper, the mortgage, or the grocery list during sex? I don’t think murmuring “Pampers, we need Pampers” is what my husband had in mind. I needed a crash course in some sexy pillow talk.

So I called Josey Vogels, advice columnist and author of Bedside Manners: Sex Etiquette Made Easy (Harper Collins Canada, 2004).

Vogels also assured me that my predicament wasn’t unusual, especially in the married-with-toddler stage. “When you’re in that throw-each-other-against-the-wall phase early on, it’s easy to let yourself go and be that lusty self, tapping into the raw, very crass part of our sexuality that we don’t get to express anywhere else,” she says. “But relationships are designed for us to settle into a more comfortable, secure place. And that pushes that lustiness out of the way.”

But I was determined to get my voice back. So I pressed him for more advice. According to Vogels, it comes down to anticipation.

“We always think that early in a relationship it’s all spontaneous, but it’s really not that spontaneous,” Vogels says. “Think about the anticipation and the build-up when you’re going out on a Friday night with someone you’re just starting to see. You’re thinking about it all week.”

“When you see each other all the time, you don’t get that anticipation and build-up. So you have to create it,” Vogels says. “[Talking dirty] requires build-up. It requires desire. It requires anticipation.”

If I could again tap into my inner vixen, the words, Vogels assured me, would come quite naturally. “The really explicit talk will happen when you’re so turned on that you don’t care what comes out of your mouth. You get to that point where it has its own momentum and then you’re back in the game.”

Below are Vogels’ five tips for building that momentum:

1. Get your motor humming before bedtime

“We expect to get into bed and be immediately turned on,” Vogels says. “But that doesn’t happen when you’ve been together a long time and you’ve got kids and busy lives. It’s not like you suddenly switch on this gear and become this sex goddess.”

The best way to turn into that sex goddess come bedtime? Start revving your and his engine early in the day. Leave him a flirty phone message or send him a suggestive email. About one in three of respondents in the Elle/MSNBC survey said they use some kind of verbal foreplay to sexually tease their partners.

The message doesn’t even need to be very explicit to have the desired effect. Simply a call or email that says I’m thinking about you plants a little seed, Vogels says. “It’s eroticizing your partner again, reminding you that your relationship isn’t all routine.”

2. Read some erotica

Books by Harold Robbins and Judith Krantz have their steamy bits. But sometimes you really just want to cut to the chase.

Finding a good story serves two purposes. First, it helps rev you up. Second, erotica is a terrific antidote if you freeze up when your partner craves some stimulating conversation. “There’s no rule that the material has to be original,” Vogels says. So if you find a sexy story, steal it. Recount the plot to your partner, inserting yourselves as the main characters. There’s also a certain safe quality about this, Vogels says, because “you’re playing a role, so the words coming out of your mouth can be less associated with the person you are outside of the bedroom.”

Fortunately, you don’t have to make an embarrassing trip to the bookstore for some titillating paperbacks; you can find what you’re looking for online. Good Vibrations (GoodVibes.com) has an excellent selection of erotic stories for all persuasions.

3. Relive your past adventures

Your previous sexcapades – the time you got busy in the backseat of a cab or in the laundry room at your parents house – is another excellent source of ready-made sexy material. It can be even better than a book… because it really happened to you! Reminiscing about earlier adventures removes the burden of coming up with something erotic on the spot.

4. Shower him with compliments

When you’re really at a loss for words, complimenting just about anything about your partner – his sensuous lips, the feel of his chest, the way his fingers touch you – eliminates the pressure to be creative. Or simply comment on the action: “The way you ­­­­____ drives me wild” will undoubtedly be well-received. Vogels recommends focusing on a very specific thing your partner does – for example, the way he kisses that spot on your neck and how it makes you feel.

5. Share a fantasy

This could be considered “advanced sexy talk” for when you get more comfortable with naughty pillow talk. The idea is to narrate a scenario that hasn’t necessarily happened, but that you might like to happen. Maybe you want to play head cheerleader to his quarterback or you’d like to play an X-rated game of doctor. “It allows you to push your sexual limits and talk about things without actually having to experience them,” Vogels says.

However, when you share a fantasy you’re definitely going out on a limb, especially if you’re not sure how your partner will react. “It’s opening up a window to who you are sexually, and that can make you feel vulnerable,” Vogels says. “But if your partner is receptive to it, then it’s like Wow! This is great!”

After taking in Vogels’ advice, I decided to put it into action. Reading a titillating story did, in fact, put me in the mood. After an afternoon of Sesame Street, it certainly got my erotic mind whirring. That night, when my husband and I finally called it a night, I was a bit less interested in going right to sleep.

Playing “Remember when…” was a bit more effective. Without feeling like I had to come up with an entire plot, I relaxed and just let the words flow. And as Vogels mentioned, the more I got into it, the dirtier my language got. At last, my erotic laryngitis was gone. I’d gotten my voice back.

Want to learn more? Get your own copies of Nerve’s Guide to Sex Etiquette for Ladies and Gentlemen and Bedside Manners: Sex Etiquette Made Easy.